Are you experiencing an invisible divorce™? Usually, in an invisible divorce, both partners feel like they have lost parts of themselves; the you that existed in a better part of your marriage that has faded to the background and what’s left in your daily life is someone who is angry, numb, cold, cynical and exhausted. Worse, the path out of this abyss feels lost as well.
How can you change something you hardly understand? It’s true what they say, you’d never treat a stranger the way you treat a loved one. Meaning, you would never feel justified otherwise to give so little and attack so much (shame, blame, criticism, shut down/withdraw) because you feel like every ounce of you has given all of you and there’s nothing left.
At its worse, it can feel like you are killing yourself to stay in your relationship. You may be seriously neglecting yourself and your health. You may be gaining weight, drinking too much (not just alcohol, but other unhealthy things like diet soda or too much caffeine), working too much, losing yourself in the Internet,, getting your sexual needs met outside of your relationship (on-line porn, phone chats/video, sites like ashleymadison.com or other sexual affairs) watching hours of TV, neglecting your family, health and your inner voice that tells you when enough is really enough.
This is all part of the downward spiral; a vicious circle. Couple therapists call it the dance. In your relationship it’s your own unique set of patterns and behaviors that play out over and over in both good and bad ways. This dance gives couples the sense that they can predict what’s coming next in specific situations. It’s also what’s behind the feeling you have that you know what’s going to happen next in a common situation. It’s not about the fight du jour (who didn’t take out the trash, rejected you sexually, said or did x, y and z). It’s really about an underlying feeling of being hurt, let down, disappointed or frustrated.
Healing happens when you can communicate about the real issues at the heart of the matter, then you can change your dance. The timeline for many marriages is that before they enter divorce court, they live an invisible divorce at home.
For some couples there’s no way around divorce, but if you have a glimmer of hope for yours, here are seven things you can do to repair your marriage before it’s too late and the reality of divorce becomes an inevitable, painful possibility:
- Start with creating the vision of the relationship you desire. What do you want to do with your partner? How do you want to spend your time together? Do you want more alone time? More sex? Better communication? More freedom to behave like you did when you were dating? Compile this list and then set your intention to act in ways that foster these activities. In your marriage, choose to do 100% of your 50%. Try to not keep score on your partner, but focus on your own behavior and what you’re doing.
- Similarly, show up with the best of yourself. Consider your appearance, health, the things you used to do to checkout of the marriage, any harmful coping skills and look at adjusting your behavior so the best of you comes out on a daily basis.
- Check your blame, shame, critical and stubborn parts of yourself at the door. Consciously and intentionally know these parts of you are not needed now. They served you once, but they have costs that keeping you from getting what you really want and they are not needed now.
- Close your exits or put a moratorium on certain behaviors (the things you do to get your needs met outside of your relationship) and start looking to your partner to once again meet those needs. A word to the wise is to not expect perfection at once, and this is especially true if you haven’t shared your desire to recommit to your marriage with your partner. By closing your exits and looking to them once again, opportunities arise to change the stalemate in your marriage.
- Practice marriage expert, John Gottman’s 5-to-1 rule. Take on a practice of consciously redirecting your attention to 5 things you like, enjoy and appreciate about your partner for every negative thought/feeling you have about them.
- Visually picture yourself in the relationship you want. Bring back consciously the memories of all that drew you to your partner and invite your partner to join you by showing them that you really do want them. Make it safe and attractive for them to want you.
- Finally, feel good about the effort you are putting into yourself and your relationship. Work is not a dirty word. Some days will be easy, some will be hard. In the end, you will truly value what you both have created because you know the change happening now is the natural byproduct of your efforts to consciously love and be loved.
As you move into this process, it’s important to remember that either you or your partner is perfect. You may have moments of feeling like you’ve been teleported back to your old relationship, and at other times, realistically, you will have setbacks. It’s your choice whether you let a setback take you hostage emotionally or if you choose to stay on your new course. If you look for the negative, you will find it every time. It’s important to notice when something feels bad because feelings are messengers, they tell us when things need to be attended to. So make room for all feelings and remember that conflict is growth trying to happen.
By consciously living your life and showing up for you and your relationship with a loving and open heart, you have a chance to change the fate of your marriage. Invisible divorce is possible to recover from; it’s not a death sentence, but like all feelings it’s a message that you need to heal or a painful loss like divorce is more likely than not. Love is the antidote to the poison of reactive behaviors that you both have been putting into your relationship.